National Cup Finals 2010
The best race report to date in all of Rage history...
(By Jim 'International Athlete' Joannou)
One has to wonder if there is any other scribe on the planet blessed with a team that provides such a rich vein of material to mine at the literary coalface as I have found in Raging Dragons. I am truly, truly blessed. And this weekend at The Nationals was no exception....Here's what happened....
I arrived in Nottingham first and checked in at our lodgings for the weekend, the Cotswolds Hotel. Please banish any image that the word 'Cotswolds' might conjure up of gently rolling pleasant English countryside dotted randomly with grazing sheep. This was the usual Rage bucket shop discount B&B in the arse end of nowhere that we are so fond of....the sort of place that drove the good Lord himself to choose a barn and a manger as his birthplace, rather than this type of establishment. Not wishing to hang around the 'hotel' for any longer than necessary, I headed out in search of a hostelry that might provide food and beverage. I passed them one by one....The Sherwood House, The Sherwood Club, The Sherwood Palace, The Sherwood Sherwood, The Sherwood Sherwood Sherwood....Man, these people have got to move on! Ooh, hang on....We've got a 'The Robin Hood' thrown in for good measure....radical !! Anyway, I decided on 'The Sherwood Manor'....a warmly lit, cosy and inviting place perched on the top of a hill...of the A60 dual carriageway....lovely ! I ordered some food from the 'Hungry Horse' menu and let the rest of the team know where to find me. They arrived at about ten to ten, just in time for last food orders and there was a mad scramble to get the order in but they'd snuck in under the wire, so all was good because Martin, especially, was absolutely starving....we could relax.
Then Eric walked in at 10:01pm. Bugger. No one had remembered Eric as he'd come up by train. Martin went to ask the barmaid if he could add another fish and chips meal to the order but was instantly rebuffed. And why wouldn't he be? After all, it was one WHOLE minute past 10. Bitch ! Right, time to send in our secret weapon....Jay !! A PhD brain coupled with a 30'' waist, a rippling torso and a face so cute that I want to take him home to meet MY mother....How could she resist that ?? Not a chance, surely ! He was gone but a flash before bounding back to tell us it was all taken care of...Well done lad !
Whilst we waited for the food to arrive, we had to put up with Ciara bouncing off the walls because whilst she and Gaj had been dropping the boat off at the venue, she'd taken the opportunity for a bit of voyeurism (it's illegal, you know...!!) and had managed to get a peak of Amathus Boys naked backside.....you know they guy, she's been going on about him all season....gangly, spotty, gormless looking one....at least, that's what he looks like without the rose coloured spectacles on! Anyway, he was heading for the shower and when he dropped his towel, she saw a bit of bare arse cheek (whoopee do....it's not like you've seen his cock or anything...) and let out a scream (or was it Gaj that screamed...?? I'm not sure...). Anyway, all terribly exciting, clearly....!! So exciting, in fact, that she hadn't regained her composure by the time they'd got to the pub and whilst getting out of the van had hurled Gaj's SatNav to the ground....It still speaks to you but you can't see the screen so as long as he only wants to go from London to the National Water Sports Centre, he's still good to go !!
By now the food started coming out. Two large fish and chips for Jay and Kevin and a small fish and chips for Jessica were out first. 'Martin, what did you order?' I asked. 'Oooh, the chicken and bacon dish' he responds enthusiastically. You can see he's ready to eat the table if she doesn't bring him some food soon. 'That must be it now' I say as she appears again, carrying a deep plate. 'Chicken and bacon?' she asks. 'Me, me....' cries Martin. 'Me, me....!!'. She puts it down in front of him. Hang on! Haaaannng on...!! What's that green stuff?? And aren't those red things....yes, yes, they are....tomatoes!!! Holy cow! It's a chicken and bacon SALAD! Noooo…!! In the rush to order by ten, he hadn't looked past the words 'chicken and bacon' to see that they were followed by that dreaded word 'salad' !!
'Crestfallen' is a word thrown around far too liberally, if you ask me....because until you see Martin Lee sitting with a chicken and bacon salad in front of him when he was clearly expecting something fat and greasy, you've never truly seen crestfallen, believe me! Fucking hilarious...
And whilst the reality of his blunder is still setting in, Eric turns to the barmaid and says 'We're still waiting for another fish and chips though'. She looks perplexed and disappears briefly, only to return with the till receipt a second later. 'No' she says. 'Two large and one small is all you've ordered'. 'But he ordered an extra one' says Eric, pointing at Jay. Jay looks up mid-munch from his own EXTRA large fish and chips....'Oh, I didn't order an EXTRA one...' he says as innocently as a new born. So WTF were you talking to the barmaid about for all that time then, Trigger....???
So now I've got Martin on one side staring at his chicken and bacon salad in disbelief and Eric, mouth agape like a goldfish with incredulity, on the other with absolutely nothing to eat at all whilst Jay and Kevin go back to ploughing their way through their battered whale (I mean, they were BIG pieces of fish....) as if nothing else mattered in the world. Priceless. You couldn't script this sort of thing....Fortunately, I don't have to because Rage keep acting them out in front of me! I start removing all sharp objects in the vicinity because Martin is now staring at his wrists with a quizzical look on his face and Eric is trying to work out if he can reach Jay's jugular before anyone can stop him....Let the weekend begin !!!
We left the pub with Martin and Eric setting off in search of a kebab shop for some proper boys food and the rest headed back to the hotel....(well, I've got to call it something !!)....to wait for the stragglers to arrive from London. I found a room with a tv in it and settled down on the sofa to watch Troy. No, not DJ's Troy….the movie with Brad Pitt. This was fine until Ciara plonked herself down next to me and started cooing on about how Amathus Boy was as fit as Brad, swoon, blush, wet patch on the sofa…..Oh, FFS !! Now she's ruining my movie ! I flicked the channel over….American Pie ! Now, Amathus Boy does remind me far more of Jason Biggs and his character Jim Levenstein, especially as it was the scene where he's caught on the internet shooting his load too early….twice...but, somehow, she couldn't see it !
Then the next car load from London arrived and everyone left me alone in the tv room for a while…bliss…although I could hear lots of animated voices from reception. It turns out that the little Indian chappie was trying to insist that we had booked one more room than we needed, and he wanted payment for it. Haha…Fat chance! The most successful predator on the African savannah is the wild dog. It's small but tenacious and by hunting in packs, it's able to bring down opposition much larger than itself. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Raging Dragons….the African wild dogs of the dragonboat world. They're small (well, mainly…) but, boy oh boy, are they tenacious and the little Indian chappie never stood a chance with all these mini Orientals yap, yapping and nipping at his ankles. He gave up trying to extract blood from this particular stone and we all finally retired for the evening.
Breakfast. 7am'ish. Ciara is all het about something. 'What's the matter, love?' I make the mistake of asking. 'What's the *beeping* matter??? I'll tell you what the *beeping* matter is!!!' she cries. It turns out that Nimbo has put up a facebook post about the shitty hotel. 'If she thinks it's so *beeping* shitty, she can *beeping* well book her own *beeping* hotel next *beeping* time!!!'. Hang on, hang on….Two things here….One, it is a *beeping* shitty hotel and two, she is sharing a bed with the new Messiah and if he didn't like this sort of place the first time round, no reason to expect him to be any happier about it two millennia later, is there!
We head off the NWSC (it stands for National Water Sports Centre, Jay….N-A-T-I-O-N-A-L W-A-T-E-R….Oh, never mind !!). On the way, incoming message from Chairman Lau. He's going to be a no show having come down with the lurgy. Anyone who knows the big man would have been in no doubt that this was life threatening stuff as nothing short of that would have kept him away. We wished him a speedy recovery. We had already lost Richie from the team due to family issues so were down a couple of big guns….Not ideal, but nothing for it but to push on.
The usual chaos ensued at the NWSC with boat unloading, weigh ins, finding a spot in the hall to camp etc. etc. so no one really realised that we were missing a whole bunch more paddlers until our first race came round. Binh, Victor, Junior and Alfonso all still hadn't arrived. So, no one important then ! Shorn of a third of our top paddlers, some urgent rearranging was needed by Coach Eddy. A quick promotion to stroke for Ciara….in her first National race, no less !!....a bit of juggle here, a bit of juggle there….it would have to do. We loaded up and set off for the first race.
The only real competition would be Thames Taniwhas and Crusaders, as it will be a sad day that Exe-Calibre Blades and the Brewers Arms trouble us. With our depleted crew, Thames did indeed prove too strong for us, winning by a comfortable second and a half but we saw off Crusaders for second place. Our time wasn't too bad bearing in mind our missing paddlers, either. Our second race contained Batchworth, Kingston and Worcester as well as Crusaders again and Notts Anaconda on their home turf. Tough racing. Batchworth were comfortable winners but we now had this mornings missing paddlers on board so there was little to choose between us and Kingston as we crossed the line and Worcester weren't far behind. We had to wait to find out if we were 2nd or 3rd. When the result finally flashed up on the board, we got to find out just how little….50.40 vs 50.41….but it was us that had snatched 2nd place! Very sweet….and yet another reminder that every stroke counts.
Now we were in a race for a spot in the Cup Major Final with Typhoon Tigers, Batchworth Beasties and Exe-calibre likely to provide serious contention for the automatic spot. But we were in our stride and weren't about to let our shot at the title slip away at this stage. First over the line and through to Raging Dragons first ever National Cup Major Final !! Bring it on….!!!
And what a race. National 200m Open Cup Major Final. Amathus, Batchworth, Thames, Kingston, Worcester and, of course, Raging Dragons. The countries top 6 teams. And we are one of them! Gold and Silver looked beyond our grasp on the day but we stood as good a chance as any of grabbing the third spot and a bronze medal.
'Paddlers, down and ready... Attention... Go!' All six boats exploded away from the start line. As expected, Amathus and Batchworth took the early lead, their heavily muscled and much larger crew helping them to get out of the blocks a bit quicker than us. But they only got so far ahead as we brought our boat up to speed, Thames, Kingston and Worcester being right with us. In the end, Gold and Silver went to Amathus and Batchworth with Thames taking our bronze as we came in 4th….but we did pick up a red flag for Captain Fizzy's helming as a consolation prize….he was back !!!
The afternoon was the 200m Mixed competition. We lost to Worcester in our first race and drew Batchworth in our next, so ended the heats with two 2nd places. That put us out of the Major Final and in to the Minor Final against a much improved Exe-Calibre as well as Notts, Henley, Crusaders and Worcester Dragonflies. By now, the day and venue were taking their toll on the team. For reasons best known to themselves, the NWSC is built in a natural wind tunnel with it's own weather system. No matter what's going on in the rest of the country, no matter how warm and sunny it is elsewhere, you can guarantee that the weather at the NWSC will be 'Cloudy, rain expected, icy wind gusting to force 8'. Keeping warm was a challenge. Even Ken Chow, a man not known for showing weakness easily….in fact, he's usually harder than a coffin nail….was to be found huddled before the race round the only working heater, wrapped up in as many layers as he could find but still shivering and shaking like Ciara's Rampant Rabbit on Turbo mode !! In the end, Exe-calibre piped us in the last few metres after we had led for the entire race to deny us a win we probably deserved and had fought hard for.
There is a brief discussion as to whether we should not attend the 500m racing tomorrow as we were so down on numbers….but one look at Bart standing outside the 'Circle of Love' with a big black cloud hanging over his head and we knew that if we did decide not to, it would be the last decision any of us made as no one could expect to see another sunrise! Suddenly, we all felt the urge to 'Feel the Love' and the decision was quickly made that we would, indeed, be racing….assuming we made it through the night, of course!
Dinner was booked for 6:45pm and the plan was to gather in the hotel bar beforehand. Ahmod and I were first down and finally unearthed the hotels one redeeming feature….bottles of beer at only £ 1.50 each !! If you're from London, this kind of pricing is little short of a miracle so we polished off a couple of pops before everyone else showed up. By now it was already 7pm and, with a big night out ahead and no clear plan as to how the whole team was going to get to the restaurant, I ordered three cabs for us to share. They showed up and we left the hotel….and then everyone started climbing in to their cars! Hey, hey….what about the cabs? What about our big night out?? What about getting done for drink driving, killing some poor child, ending up in jail and losing your licence for the sake of a £5 *beeping* cab ride….split 4 ways??? But the thought of parting with £1.25 each was clearly too much for some people and I had to pay off two of the cabs with a fiver each for doing nothing….Thanks Rage, you tight arsed f*ckers!!!
A two minute cab ride later (£ 4.70….that's all the fare was, people !!!), and Ahmod, Sau, Gaj and I were seated at our table enjoying a drink with Bart, who was already there. We could see the Rage cars zipping past the front door for the next 30 minutes or so as they did yet another circuit of town looking for a parking space….I'm not going to say it, but what kind of muppet wouldn't spend £ 1.25 to avoid that aggro? Our kind of muppets, that's what kind…Anyway, dinner was great and I only paid £ 1 extra than the tea drinkers after having enjoyed a Tsing Tao (I did ask if they had Sun Lik, honest…) and a glass or two of perfectly chilled Chablis, so feel I got my little bit of revenge…Christ, I'm becoming as petty as that lot….Help !!!
Just as we were finishing up, Victor and Alfonso finally made it to the restaurant. They were staying in a different hotel and, apparently, they'd spent some 'spa time' together….nice !! They'd clearly worked up an appetite somehow….ahem!....because they then proceeded to order two of everything off the menu and we left them in there together, gazing in to each others eyes over a bowl of Singapore noodles with a promise to catch up with us later. Hey….it's nobody's business but their own, okay !!!
In all there were about 15 of us heading in to town. I went in to the first bar we came across, an All Bar One, as I was in need of a drink by now. I'm at the bar trying to order when I get tapped on the shoulder and am told that Gaj isn't being allowed in because of his trainers (I think it was a 'black' thing, actually…) and Jay has had to produce ID. We leave and try to get in next door but Ciara is now being asked for ID. Jay, yeah I can see that, but Ciara….come on !! Who've they got on the door…Stevie bloody Wonder ???
Bar three. It's inside some complex and we have to get up three escalators but, finally, we get a drink. Tequila. I'm about ready to drink petrol so the tequila actually tastes quite good and there is no better way to get a party started than cheap tequila. Yeehaa! We order another drink and I look round to see who the players are on the team. Most of them look like they've ordered a diet coke or something dull and then…there she is! 5 foot no inches in her tiny stockinged feet is little Jessica clutching a pint of Guinness that looks big enough for her to dive in to….Top girl. It's always the quiet ones that go pop!!
But the bar is a zoo and I want to get to the Pitcher and Piano that's in an old Church, so we leave after one drink. There is something about getting mashed in an ex 'House of The Lord' that appeals to my darker nature….I don't know why and all the therapy to date hasn't been able to explain it ! Outside, we need cabs. There's one but, with about a million people on the street, we need to be quick. I dive in, followed by Ahmod, followed by Ciara and….and….no one. The rest are still standing on the pavement waiting for their gilt edged invitations. Sau did make an attempt to get in by now the cabbie had seen enough and was off, leaving her dodging traffic in the middle of the road…perhaps we can build that in to our training regime as I've never seen her move quite so quickly. And, hey….you snooze, you lose! It's not TOO far to walk….Bye !!
By the time they get there, the three of us are already a large tequila and a drink ahead of the curve, so they need to catch up. Jaegerbombs, what else? Wanting to make a bit of a fight of it, the three of us have one as well. Keep 'em coming! We even start building our own Jaegerbomb pyramid as we've got enough glasses to, but we seem to be lacking the necessary building skills to keep it upright so stop that little game before someone gets hurt. And it's not long before Raymondo hits 'dance mode'….stand back, everyone….with Jessica, by now on pint of Guinness number three (top girl…), joining him on the dance floor. Sally threatened to leave early so we were forced to point out that it was her round and she wasn't going anywhere and by the time she'd bought the tequilas, she'd come to her senses. We didn't finally leave until they kicked us out of our space on the top floor and, even then, some of us managed to pop away a cheeky double rum on the way out the door….because we REALLY needed one more drink !
Back at the hotel, we decided we're not ready for bed and Gaj heads to the van for a slab of Sun Lik. The little Indian chappie let's us in to the tv/bar room of the hotel….which is like letting a bull loose in a china shop (as in china plates, not somewhere you can buy little chinese people…don't worry!). No sooner is his back turned when Ciara is up and heading for the crisps behind the bar….yes, theft !! Unfortunately, her motor skills aren't quite up to scratch for a career in burglary and, as she crashes first in to the bar trap door and then in to the bar itself, it's a wonder she didn't manage to wake the entire hotel. It was certainly enough to get little Indian chappie back and he returned to find her clutching three bags of Walkers finest to her breast….I have to intervene and assure him that we are good for the money, she's just a bit peckish, that's all and, seemingly appeased, he retires back behind his desk. Despite having just passed a thousand and one fast food joints, Martin NOW decides that he wants pizza and a debate breaks out as to how we are going to order some in. The answer is simple. You call a cab, tell him to pick up the two pizzas you've just ordered, and pay him for the pizzas and cab fare when he shows up. Easy! Why am I surrounded by amateurs and have to think of everything??
Anyway, Martin finally contents himself with rearranging the furniture and eating the 'stolen' crisps (that I've now had to pay for….and hey….if you are going to thieve crisps again, can you at least make sure they have some flavour and not just 'plain'….who steals 'plain' crisps, for crying out loud?) and we tuck in to some Sun Lik's...but, by the time the crate is empty, we have unanimously agreed that Sun Lik beer tastes like shit and it's time for bed….especially as by now Martin is telling stories involving him, Kevin, showers and a large tub of body butter! Time to go….!!!
Day two. The 500m. I wake up with a hangover and know it's going to be a good day. I always race better with a hangover, probably because the pain message takes longer to reach my brain than usual so that the race is over before I register that I'm in screaming agony….All those sports coaches out there should take note! Then it starts. First, Gaj comes back in to the room. 'I think I left my jacket in the Pitcher & Piano last night'. Okay, not the end of the world, I'm thinking. Not exactly Giorgio Armani, was it ! 'And the van keys were in it' he finishes his sentence. Words can't describe the sinking feeling this short little sentence brings on. Because I know it's all going to be my fault. I took them out drinking, I'm irresponsible, I'm to blame. No racing. No getting the boat back to London. No KFC on the way home! Oh, God! The thought of breaking the news to Eddy and Bart is enough to make my stomach turn over. Never mind feeling the love….It's feeling the icy coldness of the blade that Bart uses to slit my throat before calmly wiping it clean on his Raging bandana that I'm worried about!! And then there's Nimbo to face. What kind of devastating look can I expect to receive from her! Hell, give me Bart and his blade any day! A feeling of impending doom settles over me as Gaj disappears back out of the room. He returns 10 minutes later, clutching his jacket which he'd simply left downstairs. 'Got it' he beams as if nothing had happened. I don't know whether to kiss him or strangle him…so decide to do neither and roll over to let my heart rate return to normal.
Next up, I hear Martin's engine start up. He must be off to the NWSC early. Gosh, that engine IS loud, especially if you've got a thumping hangover. No matter, I'm sure he'll be off momentarily. Two minutes pass, five minutes, ten….WTF is going on ??? WTF IS GOING ON !!!??? It feels like someone is jack-hammering my head. Finally, the engine goes off. He must have a problem he's trying to fix. Why else would someone with so much to live for be revving his engine underneath my bedroom window so early on a Sunday morning when I've got a hangover…He can't be that tired of living! And the problem? Oh, no problem. He and Jay were just using the engine to dry off their racing tops…and only stopped when Jay burnt his top on the exhaust manifold. Seriously, why do I attract so many of THEM in to my life? I don't deserve this….but they definitely deserve each other!
Then Ahmod, Ciara and Sau (I shall call them The Usual Suspects from now on…) come bouncing in and jump on me to get me out of bed. I'll be ten minutes max, I tell them. I'm downstairs in five packed and ready to go but, when I look around, there is no sign of them. I reach them by phone only to be told they've headed out to McDonald's without me for a second….yes, SECOND….breakfast ! Insert many and varied expletives here. I catch up with them at the McD's s where they are already stuffing their faces. 'Two Big Macs, please' I respond to the spotty youth's enquiry of my choice. But they don't start doing BM's until 11am…!! WTF is the point of a McDonalds that doesn't do Big Macs 24/7 ??? In Holland, you can certainly get them freshly made at 10:30am !! I know, because I've also had a Grade A hangover in Holland quite recently. I tell the spotty youth that I hope he's proud of himself as he's solely to blame for the GB Masters squad losing it's absolute best paddler as I'm moving to Holland...and order a couple of McFuckin Muffins instead. Deep joy…!!
I sit down next to Ahmod. There's something a bit different about him. I can't quite put my finger on it….Ah! 'Ahmod, why are you wearing glasses with no arm on one side' I ask without really needing him to give me an answer. Sau looks a little sheepish. So, Gaj's SatNav and Ahmod's glasses….both victims of our delicate, dainty females. I wonder what they'll break next…Someone's balls, is my guess !!
Without enough girlies to qualify, we had skipped the Mixed competition in the morning and were just showing up for the Open. Reduced to 18 paddlers, many of which are still at the start of the dragonboat learning curve, we knew that we couldn't hope to compete against the top teams but fully intended to give a good account of ourselves. With Captain Fizzy relegated to the rowing benches, Commodore Gajaran took control of our vessel and led us out for our first race. Batchworth Beasties put us in to 2nd place by 0.05 of a second. Very, very close. And my, my…don't some of those boys look a bit fit and big for the Beasties team. And in the next race against both Batchworth Dragons and Batchworth Beasties together (as well as Thames, Crusaders and Notts), the Beasties turn in a time that's 11 seconds slower than the one they'd just done in the first round. Hmmmm!! More cynical members of the public might wish to make their own enquiries…
We finished 3rd behind Batchworth Dragons and Thames Taniwhas, came 3rd in our rep and got piped in our Minor Final be Exe-Calibre….AGAIN !!! Our result might not have been helped by the fact that, as we were sitting on the start line, Ciara suddenly says 'Oh, oh, this isn't my paddle. Whose paddle is it? I've got someone's paddle!'. She looks round frantically and spies Jay sitting in the row in front of her. 'Jay, you have a paddle like this, don't you?' Blank look. 'Jay, does your paddle usually have a sticker on it?'. 'Yes' says Jay. 'Has the paddle you've got now have a sticker on it?'. 'No' says Jay. 'Is there any chance this might be your paddle, Jay?'. 'I guess' says Jay. 'I did think the one I'm holding is a bit short'. 'Well, this one is a bit long for me' says Ciara and they swap….Sigh! What's happened to the youth of today?
We gathered for the awards ceremony. No Cup medal but we'd be picking up our silver for the 200m League, so no one rushed off. There were prizes for just about everything…oldest team, newest team, fattest team….sorry, 'fastest' team...youngest team….that one went to Crusaders...and whose that sauntering up with them to get a medal? Junior! Yes, our Junior!! Apparently, his big head races for Raging but his little head races for Crusaders….still, if I was his age again, I'd have been right with him!
And then Sue is thanking everyone for coming and it's over for another year. We have to pick our silver league medal up at some awards dinner that we haven't even got a date for yet….Bugger, we could have left for KFC an hour ago !! Yes, KFC….It has to be! We headed down the motorway to the Leicester services where they have the KFC on the bridge over the road. And to round my weekend off, as we are waiting for our bargain buckets and what not, Genius Jay asks me 'Which way is London then?' whilst staring at the north bound carriageway trying to spot a red dragonboat being towed….Why me ???
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